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   Descent BB Forum Index > The DBB Gallery > A Fool at One End, A Fire at the Other Post new topic   Reply to topic
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Beowulf
DBB Staff




PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:45 am View user's profile Reply with quote Send private message

Work in progress, as always.

Code:

A Fool at One End and a Fire at the Other

Im just a fool at one end and a fire at the other
Burning at both sides towards the east
No water nor wind can flames be smothered
Just burning up our last disease

Im just a fool at one end and a fire at the other
Call the department of police
I lit the match I could not discover
Burning up my last bit of peace

Were all just fools, in deed and name
We smoked out our peaceful sanity
The only difference is the flame
And the colored ashes on the streets


Looking for feedback, as I consider the writing in this piece not nearly as powerful as that in others. I still dig it though. Let me know what you guys think.

_________________
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Bunyip
DBB Staff




PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:02 am View user's profile Reply with quote Send private message

I think it's pretty good - with the middle stanza being the best, IMO.

Critiques/Suggestions: IMO the following line is awkward... I know what it means but my brain says wtf. Can it be re-written somehow to convey the same meaning without the wtf?

"No water nor wind can flames be smothered"

and I don't know what this line means:

"Just burning up our last disease"

The pronoun identification (you go from "I" to "our" with no real transition explaining who "we" are) is confusing, and does that line mean we're cured, or that we're burning with a passion or a hatred...or just a fever? (ie: burning up with.)

_________________
BELIEVE NOTHING, no matter where you read it, or who has said it,
not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense. - GAUTAMA BUDDHA
Beowulf
DBB Staff




PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2007 11:10 am View user's profile Reply with quote Send private message

Thanks bunnypoo, that's the sort of stuff I'm looking for.

Also, I'm wondering if the overall message of this piece is clear enough?

It's about the war, if you couldn't figure it out.

_________________
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Beowulf
DBB Staff




PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 12:53 am View user's profile Reply with quote Send private message

I agree with that awkward line, I fixed it - it adds more meaning I think anyway and flows better.

Code:

A Fool at One End and a Fire at the Other

Im just a fool at one end and a fire at the other
Burning at both sides towards the east
I stoke the flames and call them smothered
Just burning up our last disease

Im just a fool at one end and a fire at the other
Call the department of police
I lit the match I could not discover
Burning up my last bit of peace

Were all just fools, in deed and name
We smoked out our peaceful sanity
The only difference is the flame
And the colored ashes on the streets

_________________
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson
Bunyip
DBB Staff




PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:55 am View user's profile Reply with quote Send private message

That definitely works better IMO, the irony is outstanding.

_________________
BELIEVE NOTHING, no matter where you read it, or who has said it,
not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense. - GAUTAMA BUDDHA
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